We are a family of gay men: Barry, aged 65, David, aged 52 and Kevin, aged 43. We didn’t set out to become a family but have found the hard work that’s sometimes needed to maintain our trio well worth it. Each one of us has an equal position and fundamentally must extend compromise to two people instead of one. This is only possible because of our full, frank and honest communication. None of us regards our trio relationship as anything unusual or special; the sexual side of things aside, our lives are like any other household of three people, all of whom just happen to be gay. We all play to our skills in our daily living, with chores and support shared between us all at different levels and according to ability and interest.
David and I had been in a relationship together for some years, and had always maintained the importance of supporting others in the gay community. This led us to a series of conversations with Kevin, who was married with two kids and slowly coming to terms with his hidden gay identity. We felt sympathy for Kevin’s plight, although a trio arrangement was not planned at this stage. Kevin felt at that time that he only had two options as he sank into drinking a bottle of Bacardi a day, mixed with anti-depressants. He could either own up to himself and to others about his sexual orientation or he could sink into suicide, an option that was impossible with two young children to bring up. Once Kevin had come out he thought he would perhaps leave his family after a year, but in reality, he left after three months and we took him in.
David is the ‘Bear’, Kevin the ‘Cub’ and I am the ‘Daddy’, but roles don’t define us as people, or sexually come to that; we use these handles mostly when we talk online as they allow others to easily identify with us. The definitions and the stereotypes that exist for each one are not 100% accurate, as we are all versatile sexually and emotionally. Kevin was a ‘top’ initially but is now versatile. We each have dominant tendencies, but we all can change around, which is fun. Early on Kevin asked if he could call me Dad and if I would call him Son, and that’s how it is today but we don’t define our relationship as Daddy/Son in the strict gay way of defining it. Kevin, like many gay men, had never had a good relationship with his dad, who is not too sure about his son’s gay identity even now. I think Kevin found in me a strong parent-like quality, where he could talk about anything he wanted without it being judged or thought foolish. None of us has had any adverse comment or reaction from anyone, and even Kevin’s parents and children have been to meet us a few times. People are generally more curious than anything, expecting us to be having sex 24/7 and saying things like, “Do you all sleep in a giant bed?”
We all get different things from the relationship – I, for instance, am very happy to have a much younger man around the house who can tackle tasks that my disability no longer allows me to. I know Kevin is aware that there are limitations in the relationship, as I cannot go out very often due to my disability and our finances not being brilliant. I know he would like us all to be able to go out more. Kevin does say, though, that he loves being around two much more experienced gay men, and he also likes how everything doubles up sexually. It is also true that if one of us is miffed with another that we have a third party to talk to about it with. David says that three great minds together is an added and positive dynamic
We have no blood or official ties. We would really like a civil ceremony between three people, but that’s impossible, so we rely on individual will to keep us together. Trios appear to be more acceptable and much more visible in the States, but gay communities in the UK are perhaps a little more reserved. We don’t know of any trio support networks, although there is a book about ménage a trois’, though probably from a more sexualized angle. Maybe we could start a network if there is a need. Because we are a good mix, we have been able to try just that little bit harder in our relationship to compromise and to support each other; happily it works for us!